Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
