your thong is hanging out like whoa
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
