first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
