and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
