I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
