I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
