she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
