Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I smell stomach acid.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
