its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay