I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
