barbara walters just said penis...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
