I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
