I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
