Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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