you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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