I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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