So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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