i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
