I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
