I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
