Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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