Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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