so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
