you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
