youre lurking in front of me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
