i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
