Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
