I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I want her autograph on my taint
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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