I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
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What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
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My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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