This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you will always have a special place in my vag
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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