god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
