I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
