When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
