nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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