Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.