If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.