Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
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id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
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I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.