I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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