All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
