??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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