Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
