god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
