I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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