Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
