At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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