Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
