i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
