Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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