i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
