Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
