Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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