I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
