Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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