How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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