Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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