i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.