I'm gonna have a badass scar
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
