Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
operation harelip BJ is a go
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
