I want to walk on stilts...naked
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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