Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My penis needs a shock collar
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
