I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
