my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
