im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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