Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
