ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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