My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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