checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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