I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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