in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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